my soul

with your coming, my life started

i couldn't believe it was finally me

to whom these things happened

for a short time, you felt like heaven

like my destiny, everything i had ever hoped for,

and more

i was so foolish.

now there's a wound in my soul

so deep, so painful,

wanting to tear me apart

but i can't let it show

and i can't let go...

i refuse to be weak

refuse to give up,

myself, and us

refuse to accept loneliness

you made me forget the feeling

at least for a while

our beautiful summer has come to an end

now starts the rain

i'm cold, wet, shivering...

but in spite of all

you're the warmth

that can make the cold go away

the rain stop

and our summer reappear

-

though the wound will leave a scar

that will never vanish from my soul

pfrr...

sorry, nothing new today, i'm far too lazy to think of anything...

No.5

and now, what a surprise, the fifth language i can speak. no one would have guessed which one it was, would they? ok, actually it's the first foreign language i started to learn, and i must say, i like it. it's not as looping and elaborate as french, more fluid and easier to pronounce than german, and more tranquil than spanish, although it's not as comfortable as bavarian, which, for me, anyway, takes first place in the ranking. but it's a close second.
-
this was......... english!!!!!

No. 4

nun folgt ein kleiner post in deutsch, meiner zweiten muttersprache. ich muss aber fast sagen, dass ich jede andere sprache meiner, zugegeben, kleinen und übersichtlichen tabelle bevorzuge. warum? hmm, wahrscheinlich weil sich alle anderen sprachen, die ich kenne, besser anhören und schreiben lassen. deutsch ist einfach umständlich. und darüber hinaus, extrem kompliziert. mir tun all diejenigen leid, die es sich antun, diese sprache zu erlernen. doch gleichzeitig mein aufrichtiger respekt für die, die durchhalten und dann sogar im täglichen leben etwas verstehen können. hut ab!

-

this was german.

No. 3

buenos días!
ahora quiero charlar sobre el tema de las idiomas diferentes. estudio esta lengua desde hace un ano, y por eso puedo decir que conozco el carácter de ella, pero ya tengo algunos problemas con las palabras y la gramática. perdoname, por favor. como he dicho, las idiomas todas tienen cosas en común y cosas que son diferentes. y por eso pienso que son tan interesante para aprender.
-
this was spanish, without certain accents 'cause they're not supported by my keyboard.

No. 2

bonjour, mesdames et messieux!
aujourd'hui, je veux parler de n'importe quoi avec vous, comme je le fais toujours. du coup, je vais écrire toutes les choses dont je pense. pardonnez-moi si je fais des fautes, mais je dois dire que je ne suis plus habituée à parler le francais parce qu'il y a quelque temps que je n'ai pas utilisée cette langue. si vous la connaissez, ne pensez vous pas non plus qu'elle est une très belle langue? à mon avis, elle est vraiment la langue de l'amour...
-
and this was, believe it or not, french

No. 1

yo, wous e lou dou, hou? gell, joey, gfoid dia doch so dermaßen. i schreib iatz in meina echtn muttasprach, so wia i aafgwochsn bi. is eh a wunda, wenn's iangdwer do drausdad vosted. wenn ja, respekt, leid, ia sads guad! find i eh voi interessant, dass se a dialekt so vo da nomalan sprach untascheidn ko, oiso aa fast a eigne sprach is. eh klar, gibts in andane sprachn aa, oba i kenn hoid nua mein fall.
oiso, wenn iangdwea den kaas, den i grod gschrimm hob, vostandn hod, schreibts ma doch an comment, wias dazua kemmts.
guad, sers, bis moang...
-
this was bavarian, my mother tongue

new!!

i'm trying something new now: the next posts will be written in all languages i speak. ok, there aren't too many, but nevertheless, i think it'll be interesting.

boy,...

what to write, what to write...
well, i'll write about writing. to have an idea and simply start typing, looking where i will get you. most of the time, to a completely unexpected place. wow... i think it's amazing what we can do, even if we don't try to at all. or what can come out of just starting something and letting everything flow in as it comes to your mind. kind of that stream-of-consciousness-technique, and it's exactly how i'm writing this post. everything i'm thinking about at the moment. focused, aren't i?

...

whoa, i'm sorry that i haven't posted for quite a time now. there's been sooooo damn much going on, i still can't believe it, and though i try to keep my blog up to date i don't, that means didn't, succeed really. at least not in the past twelve days...
so, i'm going to think, note my impressions, and look around for a little this and that... cu, guys

and on...

She didn’t really realize what she was reading, though. Her thoughts always wandered away to what she had dreamed that night. This dream looked like it was kind of a sequel to the first, the one she had had while under hypnosis. Only this time, her dream man had told her that he, himself, didn’t know how she could be able to help him, and, what was far more strange, he had told her that he wasn’t a dream but real; and that she should watch out in order to find him. She didn’t know what to think about all this. Could she imagine such things? Was it even normal to dream of a person she had never seen, who didn’t look similar to anyone she had met so far and who, in spite of that, stated to be real and to be nearby? She started to believe in earnest that the time was overripe for a meeting with a shrink. Perhaps there was something unconscious buried within her that was the source of these dreams?
At last she pushed these thoughts aside. Brooding would only drive her mad. She would make an appointment with a psychologist and look what that would result in. She needed a free head today, as she had to present a summary of her work of the last six months to her boss. She surely didn’t want a dream to be the reason for ruining her reputation of a high quality worker.
She glanced at her clock, a funny one whose face and pendulum were the shape of sheep. She had enough time to dress and go for a walk with Sian until she would have to drive to the office and do her song and dance for her boss. Then I had better get started.

gettin' lazier by the day

somehow it's fascinating how fast, how easily and how completely one grows accustomed to new things after an extremely short time interval.
example: as it is in my current situation, a new love. after some days you start to think that if you hadn't that contact once per day, something would be missing. you even have problems remembering how it was before that person came into your life. as far as i know, there were moments of happiness, too, but they are easily forgotten when you've got another "addiction".
or, to give a non-love-related one, think of a new ... sofa, cell phone, book, computer, whatever. once you have had it for a few weeks, it's integrated into your life.
think of dependence...

too lazy to think of a headline...

you know, occasionally horoscopes really are right. it's unbelievable!
yesterday, mine said (i'm taurus, by the way) that a new love caused butterflies in my stomach and a perpetual smile on my face...
dios mío, that thing was so damned right. after such a long dry spell, finally there is this feeling of overwhelming happiness. it feels so awfully good, i can't describe it accurately.
that's also why my posts are getting a little shorter, 'cause my attention span is somewhat shortened by other thoughts constantly crossing my mind. it's like standing at an intersection, and every time you want to take the road you actually wanted, there's something extremely interesting happening on another one, so you get distracted and walk there instead. by the time you're back to where you started, you have to think again on which road to take, and when you finally remember, the same game starts again.
well, those in love never are rational, you all know...

o.n. again...

Stella woke up early the next day. She sat up and yawned, stretching and rubbing her eyes before getting up completely, and walked into her sitting room.
“Hey, morning, Sian. Sleep well that night? I certainly did.” Sian opened her eyes to narrow slits and lazily wagged her tail, stopping after three seconds.
“Hello, lazybones! It’s time for breakfast. Or aren’t you hungry today?” She received a glare in return that she knew from all the years living with Sian to interpret as the equivalent to an arched eyebrow. Of course I’m hungry, just what do you think? Have you ever heard about something called ‘breakfast in bed’?
“Sure, I’ll get my tray and then I will immediately be of service to thou, ma’am.” Stella said, ironically. “You know, if you were six years older, with arthritis and all the other little signs of age, then I’d be happy to bring you your meals. But last time I checked – which was yesterday, by the way - you were still young enough to be able to lift your thirty kilos and go fetch it yourself.” With a bright smile, she sat down and drank her orange juice while skimming through her newspapers.

oi...

some days ago i wrote about not giving up, not accepting that kind of coincidences, remember?
guess what, it helped! meine fresse, it really helped. i couldn't believe it! i do not trust it, either, even now. it was such a good time, and so long since the last time i've had something at least a bit comparable.
oh, what a wonderful feeling...
i can't stop grinning...
and i can't type anymore, sorry.

and on...

As soon as Dwane came to himself, he jumped back, out of reach of her sensibility. Even now, he couldn’t risk her feeling him, especially because he hadn’t been able to fully explain this fact to her yet, even if it meant landing roughly onto his backside. It was frustrating that they never had much time for conversation, so every time he tried to tell her that she would have to try to find a way to help him, it ran out. This time, however, the interval had been a little longer than the last time, he suddenly realized. Perhaps the next time he tried he’d be able to impart everything he knew about him and her.
He was dragged out of his thoughts when Stella sighed, murmuring something and turning to her other side, but not waking up as abruptly as the last time he had contacted her. And maybe her tolerance is increasing, too.He’d have to wait for another night.

hmmm....

well, have you noticed how the sky is of a deeper blue right above your head, whereas towards the horizon it appears to bleach out to the color of white. that's really strange...
or that the palette of colors at sunset is richer in winter? if you want to take photos of that play of colors, you should do it in that time of the year.
dios mío, i'm getting far too far into that kind of romantiic stuff. sorry, i have to quit or my rep will be ruined!

why?

flames to dust.
you all know the song, i guess. why do all good things come to an end?
i don't know. for a few days you've been having a good time, fun, really, and then, whack!, everything falls apart. and you are alone, lonely, and both sad and enraged.
i don't want to accept this! who the hell thinks that they can do this to me and others? what kind of higher power is that cruel to find it amusing to cause other people such a god-damned misery? what did the victims, yes, they're all victims, do to deserve this?
i'll tell you, nothing. yup, you can say that it's all logic and rational, that it's all caused by everyone's mistakes, but i say that there are coincidences that are out of anyone's reach to influence. so who controls this?
for such a long time i've been searching for a tiny little bit of luck, almost giving up, almost breaking down, hopelessness, in the process. and now i've gotten a taste what luck is, what a good time really means, and it's simply taken away from me!
i know, luck is a cow and searches its fellows, but this isn't a lack of luck. this is a fucking pile of shit, and don't anyone dare tell me that there are reasons or that this is exactly what i deserved. 'cause no one deserves that kind of misery. who the hell finds this funny? i know i'm an atheist, but that's no reason. i know i've made mistakes, but i've paid for each and every one of them! i've had absolutely no luck when it came to facing the consequences, i wasn't spared with anything. so that's no reason either!
i'm a friendly person, i like to help, the only thing i've ever wanted was not to be lonely. and now, i am that exactly. it hurts like hell, but i refuse to give up, i refuse to submit to a higher power's ill will, i won't give anyone the satisfaction of knowing i'm defeated.
i've always had to be the strong one, and now i'll keep on being strong. so, deal with it.

nothing is as it seems

ok, i'll admit, this isn't the actual version of this post, i've deleted it.
why? that's simple, my perspective has changed, as yet so often. but i've apparently not learned very well from it, as you all could see. yeah, that and a kind of shock-induced haze i found myself in for quite a time, some 12 hours after i wrote this post.
however, some minutes after i finished with the now deleted version, i got an explanation, but i was so out of it that it didn't register anymore. but the headline i've given this post fits, nevertheless. you really should look carefully at how things are and whether there might be a little more to them that isn't visible on the first glance...
just as you shouldn't judge someone from a single moment. a personality is much too complex to be known in a short time, it takes months, maybe years, to reach a deep level of knowledge.

just a thought

imagine that some time ago, you were extremely surprised by how one day passed perfectly, no wrong things, no problems whatsoever. just perfect. i almost couldn't believe that something like a perfect day was possible at all, but now i know better.
'cause i've had to learn the hard way that there's always compensation.
in my case, it was a brutal one-two punch right smack in the belly. to be honest, i almost doubled over from it, really. and i'm not the type that's susceptible to that sort of thing, well, most of the time, as i know now.
but the good point is, now that it's out, now that i know, i can find a way to deal with it.
after the first shock from the punch, which lasted quite a time, btw, i'm finally starting to come back to my normal state of mind, i'm (at last) back to my objective view of things, though there's still a bit of a fight between my irrational and my rational me. however, i think my rational me will win in quite a short time, thank whoever can be thanked!
so, as i'm almost back to myself again, i find that i think that nothing in the situation i and everyone else are in has changed. it's still the same as it was before the punch. and what has changed is only my perspective of how things are. for me, that's a hell of a lot reassuring, honestly.
uff, rationality's back online.
welcome to objectiveness!